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my vision went blurry, as tears flooded my eyes

 

As I started to run up the huge sand dune I realized this was going to be quite the run. Half way I thought this is just impossible. It seemed like it was never going to end, as I knew I would never give up I thought “you only live once so you better do this and do it strong” a couple more grueling sprints up, I finally made it. I turned around and begin to look at my view. It was the view of the ocean as the sun was setting. I thought to myself, “this is a piece of heaven.” The sun barely peeking over the ocean line, the waves crashing into each other, the sand was sparkling like glimmering stars. As my heart was full, my vision went blurry as tears flooded my eyes. It was the feeling of pure pain inside my body as I thought about the experiences I wont have with my beautiful sister. That she isnt able to sit beside me and soak in how beautiful this world is. Specially as Christmas is coming up with her birthday.. not seeing her at family christmas parties, getting into fresh new pjs for Christmas morning, not sitting by the fire as we talk about guys, not able to draw her name in family exchange presents, not seeing her open up a christmas present, having her get so excited about christmas music, not having her blow out a birthday cake, not having her sit with us for her birthday dinner, not able to see her happiness as we sing happy birthday to her. It was the feeling of missing someone so much, but there is absolutely nothing, nothing I can do. It is a heavy feeling that is burned into your heart that will never go away.. it just goes deeper into your chest, with leaving you the question of why? As I turned around and ran down it seemed like I couldnt run faster. Trying to almost run away from that pain, I finally stopped and started to walk along the ocean side with anger, the anger of not knowing the answer to the question why? and never, ever, ever knowing the answer to that one simple, but complex question. I sat on the beach and felt the breeze on my skin and the ocean waters on my toes, then… silence. I looked up to the sky and I saw her in the stars, felt her in the wind, smelled her with the ocean splashing up, I almost could reach out and touch her. Something hit me like a ton of bricks.. the feeling of hope. That even though I cant see her she will be at those events and more with us. Watching over us with every step, I mean how lucky am I? I realized, I get my own personal angel for the rest of my life. It doesnt change how hard it is, I just wish i could give her one more hug, say I love you and thank her for standing by my side when others left.  It is six weeks today and even though it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, I can see hope in the future. Hope of that when we think of our sweet Mya tears wont flow through, but laughter. That I look at Austin and Jackson and see their sweet mother in them. That when they are older I’ll laugh and tell stories to them about her, on how she is the soul and heart of smiles, laughter, and jokes. The future is bright, just because its stormy now doesnt mean you aren’t ahead for sunshine. Whatever happens tomorrow, we still have today and I will always remember that, Mya. I love you. Be with us, never leave us, stay by our side.
 xoxo your little sissy, Kat


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  • Reply SILVIA

    beautiful outfit & post!
    love your style =P

    xoxo

    November 29, 2011 at 5:23 pm
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