Lifestyle

Missed Miscarriage


This picture says a million words, how excited I was to be pregnant and in that office.. oh how wrong I was and shortly after this photo was taken I was going to find out.

 

January 16th, 2017 I am in my second trimester. Feeling all sorts of emotions and pregnancy pains.

I woke up today in my brand new home with my amazing husband and a baby on the way. To say we are giddy is an understatement. We got ready and headed to our doctors appoitment. We walked into the doctors so excited and couldn’t believe we get to hear the heartbeat today. Today is when we will get an ultrasound! I get to see my baby and according to “what to expect when expecting” app my little baby has fingers, their face is shaped out, with all their organs inside and oh my goodness they can even kick!

The nurse walks in and tells us we are actually due July 5th not 25th. “what!! are you kidding this is amazing!” we said. Then another nurse walks in and sits with us for 20 minutes and hands us a gift bag full of baby books, journals, what to eat, what to not take and what to expect. I was jumping up with joy i could scream. This is real. We are having a family!

Next thing is to get undressed and into a gown, the doctor will be in shortly. I looked over and Keloni, “this is so crazy! can you believe July 5th now?” He smiled, “I know July baby will be so fun!! We can do BBQ birthdays, fun outdoor stuff, I’m so excited.” The doctor walked in, we exchanged in some talk and laughs. I felt we hit it off right away. She then had me lay down to start the ultrasound… she had a confused look and I immediately said, “is everything okay?” She responded, “you have a tilted cervix. Not a big deal some woman have that it is just harder to see the baby. Doesnt mean everything is okay, doesnt mean its not okay.  We will need to do an ultrasound that goes inside so we can see clearer.”

“Oh good” I thought to myself, she made me nervous for a split second. Looking up at Keloni he is smiling, I’m smiling. It is so cute, he looks like a kid on Christmas morning. He is holding my hand and recording with the other one. We then proceeded to look back at the doctor to see our baby. Moments passed, nothing is being said. What was probably 5 minutes seemed like hours. Inside my head I’m thinking, “Why isn’t she showing us the screen. Everything is fine stay calm. Why isn’t she saying anything? maybe its twins and she is making sure. oh man its twins.. or more! She is counting them. Crap, what if something is wrong. I can barely see the screen, but I see something. Okay everything is fine say some prayers.”

She started to print sonograms, this is good! Very good… but i want to see the screen and our baby. I said probably 5 prayers back to back, “Please. Please. Please make sure everything is fine.” She quietly says to her nurse, “turn on the lights and please give us privacy.” My eyes went dead lock on her. I sprung up and instantly fear came over me. What is happening.

She took a big breath, looked at me and puts her hand on my knee. I feel it in my eyes, they are starting to water… I’m wanting her to stop and not say anything, but at the same time thinking, “What, what is it!!!”  and she says, “Katherine, Keloni your baby has stopped growing.”

My heart sank, my stomach felt like someone just punched me in the gut, I begun to have tunnel vision, the room became dizzy and her face went blurry as my eyes filled up with tears.  I replied, “Wait what, what does that mean. Everything is okay right? I’m in my second trimester, We are fine. right?” She looked us in our eyes and said, “No, I’m so sorry. Your body thinks you’re still pregnant. Your body is developing just like a normal woman should be in your second trimester. It does not know your baby has stopped growing and you will have to have a miscarriage by a pill or surgery.” I barely could utter the words out and said, “I don’t understand. Why do I have headaches, back pains, my hips are hurting, I haven’t had a cycle, I am sick sometimes. I feel everything I’m supposed to be feeling when pregnant. I don’t understand is this my fault? What did I do?” She again sighed and looked at me with a soft reply, “You didn’t do anything. You are pregnant, your body is growing, but your baby is not. It’s called a missed miscarriage” she explained, “A missed miscarriage, also known as a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus stops growing, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss. The placenta stills continues to release hormones, so the woman continues to experience signs of pregnancy.”

I knew what she was saying to me, but wanted to put it nicely… my baby was dead. There isn’t a heart beat and my body doesn’t realize my baby isn’t alive.

I broke. I cried. my heart just felt someone ripped it out of my chest and crushed it. I wanted to scream,  I wanted to run as fast as I could out of that room. I wanted to tell her she’s wrong to look again. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare! I haven’t had bleeding I am still pregnant! I looked at my broken husband with tears streaming down his face with such sadness. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

She left the room to give us our privacy. I haven’t cried so hard in my life. It felt that someone has just died. That something was ripped from me that wasn’t theirs to take. That I have been robbed. My baby, why? Why? I couldn’t help to think we just announced to the whole world. I just told everyone we were expecting after keeping it a secret for 3 months, I’m supposed to be good now. I am in the clear after 12 weeks. My mom has already boughten gifts, we were about to start the nursery, our entire world has been changed… now it was changed again. For the worse.

I got dressed and turned towards Keloni and we both just cried in the office. We held each other and didn’t say a word. We walked out and everyone was starring at us. Keloni handed the gift bag back to our nurse and said, “I guess we don’t need this anymore.” She looked at us with sadness.  We had to walk down the hospital hallway to get my blood work. We couldn’t stop crying, everyone was looking at us. I felt the world on my shoulders and everyone was there to watch.

As we went next door to get blood drawn we sat down and next to us was a mom playing with her baby. We just sat there and cried starring at this beautiful baby knowing we aren’t having that. They called my name, all the nurses just stared at me with hurt in their eyes. I just walked like a zombie to the chair. She drew my blood, I didn’t even feel it. The pain I was feeling inside out weighed the pain from the needle a million times.  I just sat and cried silently.. With tears streaming down on my face thinking, we are not pregnant. There is not a baby anymore. Our baby is gone. We picked out names. We were so excited. That isn’t happening anymore. What just happened?

They then told us we will check your blood and the doctor is going to call in three days to discuss what we need to do next. My reaction was, “Great… I have to sit for three days knowing my baby is not alive inside of me.”

We went home got in bed and cried. Cried over and over again. We expected to leave with a sonogram being able to hear the heart beat and we left with nothing. I called my mom and begun to cry.  The family texted me all encouraging words, left the sweetest gifts, but nothing could distract me from the pain. We tried to leave the house to get our minds off of it, but we just would cry. It felt that everyone around us was pregnant or had a baby with them. I finally wanted to go home and lay in bed. I couldn’t help to think this is the worst feeling in the world. I would never wish this on anyone. I couldn’t help to think, you hear this happens to other people and not think it would happen to you. We got pregnant the fist time, I am healthy, I am 26 and in prime age, I work out 6 days a week and eat healthy. Why is this happening! Why!!?

I sit here with sadness. No other words, but sadness. You dream of all these plans when you see that positive test result (four test results in my case). My hopes are crushed and our world has been flipped upside down. I keep holding onto my faith. There is some sort of plan for all of this. That is all I can hold onto right now that He has a bigger plan for my family, more than I can comprehend even though I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can’t help to think, “What if.. what if this.. what if that.. I just don’t understand, we are supposed to be in the clear.. we are in our second trimester.  Now somehow I have to tell everyone now we don’t have a baby anymore.”

As I write this as an outlet for my feelings I want to end with a positive note, to pick myself up and move on with life… but at the moment I’m just sad and you know what? That is okay. Its okay to feel this way, to not have all the answers and to be sad. It’s okay to cry and feel the feelings of grieving. Its okay to feel the loss I am feeling. Its okay to be angry, confused and feel bit overwhelmed. It’s okay to think, “Everything is going to be alright” one second and the next “everything sucks.” It is okay to go grab some chick-fil-a, chocolate, take a bath and watch netflix. It’s okay to not have it all together right now and not end on a “happy note” at this moment. Because this is real. This is how I feel and I’m sure hundreds and thousands of other woman can relate, even though at this moment I feel no one knows what I am going through.

I have faith and a great testimony that time really does help you learn to grieve and mend up those wounds a little bit. There will be another chance to get pregnant and hold our baby. Until then I will hold on to my husband, family and pray for guidance and peace.

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14 Comments

  • Reply Natalie

    Oh Kat, My heart just aches for you and I have tears running down my face. I have not experienced something like this but I just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I don’t know why we each have to struggle and endure things that completely shake us to our core but what I do know is that there is a plan for you and I know with all my heart that you will be blessed and comforted through this time. Please know that I will be thinking of you and I’m sending all my love. Be strong and don’t lose faith!
    Love, Natalie

    January 19, 2017 at 2:08 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      Oh the sweetest thing, thank you so much Natalie. I loved reading this,just what i needed to hear. loves xoxo

      January 23, 2017 at 9:24 pm
  • Reply Mandy Sickinger p

    You are such an inspiration. Love you both!

    January 19, 2017 at 2:50 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      Thank you so much mandy! xo

      January 23, 2017 at 9:23 pm
  • Reply Kulia Chadderton

    Thank you for this beautiful post. It’s just what I needed to hear. I’ve never been pregnant but my husband and I are really trying and every time my period comes I just feel so sad (which seems stupid since we’ve only been married for 7 months, I’m only 22, and everyone tells me that i have so much more to do in my life. I just know that my main purpose in life is to be a mother by bringing children into this life and helping them mold into awesome humans and I’ve known that for such a long time. But I’ve learned that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes in Heavenly Father’s timing. I’m stubborn but I’m trying to remember that as much as possible. I am sorry for your loss and hope you continue to have faith in all that you do. You give me hope and inspired me.

    January 19, 2017 at 3:59 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      Im so sorry you are going through that,its awful and horrible. Keep strong, there is a plan for you! Thank you for your sweet words. xoxo

      January 23, 2017 at 9:23 pm
  • Reply Linda Ghilarducci

    Kat and Keloni,
    Our hearts are so sad for you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this sad and difficult time.
    With Love, The Ghilarducci Family

    January 23, 2017 at 7:23 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      Thank you so much. It means a lot! Thank you

      January 23, 2017 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Nikki Atiga

    Hi Kat,

    You don’t know me, but I am Cass Atiga’s sister-in-law (our husbands are brothers) — I follow you on IG and recently saw your post and just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I’ve been there and feel for you completely. My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage and just like you, I had already announced on social media and went in for my first u/s only to find out that at 17 weeks my baby no longer had a heartbeat. It’s hard to describe the type of pain you go through to somebody who has never been through it.. but just know that you are not alone. And no matter what statistics may say, the pain is still the same and sometimes you just have days where you need to cry it out, and that’s OK. I know what it’s like to constantly ask yourself, “Why me?” and to watch other people around you have babies and get pregnant making you think, “that could’ve been me…”… but I promise you, things do get better.

    Since my first miscarriage I’ve had another miscarriage and then in 2015 had my sweet stillborn son. But this passed December I gave birth to my miracle baby boy 🙂 So even though you are hurting in the now, know that there is a baby somewhere still in heaven just waiting his or her turn to choose you guys as parents again.

    I know you already know that God’s plan is greater than what we could ever want it to be. And it sucks when the road to ultimate happiness involves heartache and sorrow…. 🙁 But you are much, much stronger than you think.

    So sorry for the novel. But I’ve been thinking of you (not in a creepy way lol) and I know things will be ok in the end for you guys!

    – Nikki

    January 28, 2017 at 10:52 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      oh my goodness, just the sweetest thing to read ever. I hate that you had to go through that so much, its absolutely awful. I am so sorry. I feel like we deserve a medal or something because of how hard it is… right? Thank you so so much for your sweet words to me! Its so nice to be able to connect with such amazing people like yourself nikki. Congratulations on your sweet baby boy too! Thank you again! Loves xoxo -Kat

      January 29, 2017 at 7:05 am
  • Reply Mariel

    I’m crying. My husband and I just found yesterday that we lost our 13 week baby… it was a missed miscarriage… our baby stopped growing but my body didn’t know either. Reading your story shook me as how identical it is to mine. I am 27 and this was our first. The doctor couldn’t find our baby either at first… “tilted uterus” she said… then when she went in the other way, and after searching for what it seemed forever… there our baby was… lifeless… it looked so small. I’m still waiting for the pills to work… my baby is still in me. This is the hardest thing we have ever gone through but reading your story gave me hope and strength. Thank you for sharing Kat.

    March 1, 2017 at 4:42 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      Mariel i am SO sorry you are going through this right now. It is awful. It is seriously the worst thing in the world. Just stay close to your husband and know it is okay to mourn right now. Its been about a month and half for me since we lost our baby and i can say with out a doubt it was very difficult, but time does help. You will have your moments, but after everything is settled time will start to heal those wounds a little bit, but not completely. I feel awful. I wish you didn’t have to do this, stay strong and take care of yourself. Don’t forget to eat whatever you want the next couple days and watch netflix! xoxo-Kat

      March 1, 2017 at 5:30 pm
  • Reply Susie

    Hi Kat

    I write this message with tears running down my face, I am so sorry to hear about you and your husbands loss. I can honestly say I understand and can relate to every word – I got the same news 4 days ago after going for my first proper ultrasound. Our situations sound so similar – moved to a new house 2 weeks ago, excitement building at telling everyone after getting the ultrasound …3 months of hope, excitement, plans, dreams taken away in a couple of minutes. I am now waiting for the pills to take effect and hoping for success as the surgery scares me. The only difference in our stories is i am 35 and I worry we don’t have much time left especially as I required the help of clomid to fall pregnant – but I guess time will tell. I wish all the happiness and success for the future and thank you for sharing your story. Take care and good luck! Xoxo

    May 4, 2017 at 12:09 pm
    • Reply xoxokat

      oh sweet girl i am so so sorry for your loss. It is VERY devastating and something no one should ever have to go through. Hold on tight to your sweet husband and allow family to help you. Take your time to grieve. I am praying for your sweet family and hopefully soon you two will be blessed with another bundle of joy. I am so sorry again susie. Love to you. xoxo-Kat

      May 4, 2017 at 4:13 pm

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