This picture says a million words, how excited I was to be pregnant and in that office.. oh how wrong I was and shortly after this photo was taken I was going to find out.
January 16th, 2017 I am in my second trimester. Feeling all sorts of emotions and pregnancy pains.
I woke up today in my brand new home with my amazing husband and a baby on the way. To say we are giddy is an understatement. We got ready and headed to our doctors appoitment. We walked into the doctors so excited and couldn’t believe we get to hear the heartbeat today. Today is when we will get an ultrasound! I get to see my baby and according to “what to expect when expecting” app my little baby has fingers, their face is shaped out, with all their organs inside and oh my goodness they can even kick!
The nurse walks in and tells us we are actually due July 5th not 25th. “what!! are you kidding this is amazing!” we said. Then another nurse walks in and sits with us for 20 minutes and hands us a gift bag full of baby books, journals, what to eat, what to not take and what to expect. I was jumping up with joy i could scream. This is real. We are having a family!
Next thing is to get undressed and into a gown, the doctor will be in shortly. I looked over and Keloni, “this is so crazy! can you believe July 5th now?” He smiled, “I know July baby will be so fun!! We can do BBQ birthdays, fun outdoor stuff, I’m so excited.” The doctor walked in, we exchanged in some talk and laughs. I felt we hit it off right away. She then had me lay down to start the ultrasound… she had a confused look and I immediately said, “is everything okay?” She responded, “you have a tilted cervix. Not a big deal some woman have that it is just harder to see the baby. Doesnt mean everything is okay, doesnt mean its not okay. We will need to do an ultrasound that goes inside so we can see clearer.”
“Oh good” I thought to myself, she made me nervous for a split second. Looking up at Keloni he is smiling, I’m smiling. It is so cute, he looks like a kid on Christmas morning. He is holding my hand and recording with the other one. We then proceeded to look back at the doctor to see our baby. Moments passed, nothing is being said. What was probably 5 minutes seemed like hours. Inside my head I’m thinking, “Why isn’t she showing us the screen. Everything is fine stay calm. Why isn’t she saying anything? maybe its twins and she is making sure. oh man its twins.. or more! She is counting them. Crap, what if something is wrong. I can barely see the screen, but I see something. Okay everything is fine say some prayers.”
She started to print sonograms, this is good! Very good… but i want to see the screen and our baby. I said probably 5 prayers back to back, “Please. Please. Please make sure everything is fine.” She quietly says to her nurse, “turn on the lights and please give us privacy.” My eyes went dead lock on her. I sprung up and instantly fear came over me. What is happening.
She took a big breath, looked at me and puts her hand on my knee. I feel it in my eyes, they are starting to water… I’m wanting her to stop and not say anything, but at the same time thinking, “What, what is it!!!” and she says, “Katherine, Keloni your baby has stopped growing.”
My heart sank, my stomach felt like someone just punched me in the gut, I begun to have tunnel vision, the room became dizzy and her face went blurry as my eyes filled up with tears. I replied, “Wait what, what does that mean. Everything is okay right? I’m in my second trimester, We are fine. right?” She looked us in our eyes and said, “No, I’m so sorry. Your body thinks you’re still pregnant. Your body is developing just like a normal woman should be in your second trimester. It does not know your baby has stopped growing and you will have to have a miscarriage by a pill or surgery.” I barely could utter the words out and said, “I don’t understand. Why do I have headaches, back pains, my hips are hurting, I haven’t had a cycle, I am sick sometimes. I feel everything I’m supposed to be feeling when pregnant. I don’t understand is this my fault? What did I do?” She again sighed and looked at me with a soft reply, “You didn’t do anything. You are pregnant, your body is growing, but your baby is not. It’s called a missed miscarriage” she explained, “A missed miscarriage, also known as a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus stops growing, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss. The placenta stills continues to release hormones, so the woman continues to experience signs of pregnancy.”
I knew what she was saying to me, but wanted to put it nicely… my baby was dead. There isn’t a heart beat and my body doesn’t realize my baby isn’t alive.
I broke. I cried. my heart just felt someone ripped it out of my chest and crushed it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run as fast as I could out of that room. I wanted to tell her she’s wrong to look again. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare! I haven’t had bleeding I am still pregnant! I looked at my broken husband with tears streaming down his face with such sadness. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
She left the room to give us our privacy. I haven’t cried so hard in my life. It felt that someone has just died. That something was ripped from me that wasn’t theirs to take. That I have been robbed. My baby, why? Why? I couldn’t help to think we just announced to the whole world. I just told everyone we were expecting after keeping it a secret for 3 months, I’m supposed to be good now. I am in the clear after 12 weeks. My mom has already boughten gifts, we were about to start the nursery, our entire world has been changed… now it was changed again. For the worse.
I got dressed and turned towards Keloni and we both just cried in the office. We held each other and didn’t say a word. We walked out and everyone was starring at us. Keloni handed the gift bag back to our nurse and said, “I guess we don’t need this anymore.” She looked at us with sadness. We had to walk down the hospital hallway to get my blood work. We couldn’t stop crying, everyone was looking at us. I felt the world on my shoulders and everyone was there to watch.
As we went next door to get blood drawn we sat down and next to us was a mom playing with her baby. We just sat there and cried starring at this beautiful baby knowing we aren’t having that. They called my name, all the nurses just stared at me with hurt in their eyes. I just walked like a zombie to the chair. She drew my blood, I didn’t even feel it. The pain I was feeling inside out weighed the pain from the needle a million times. I just sat and cried silently.. With tears streaming down on my face thinking, we are not pregnant. There is not a baby anymore. Our baby is gone. We picked out names. We were so excited. That isn’t happening anymore. What just happened?
They then told us we will check your blood and the doctor is going to call in three days to discuss what we need to do next. My reaction was, “Great… I have to sit for three days knowing my baby is not alive inside of me.”
We went home got in bed and cried. Cried over and over again. We expected to leave with a sonogram being able to hear the heart beat and we left with nothing. I called my mom and begun to cry. The family texted me all encouraging words, left the sweetest gifts, but nothing could distract me from the pain. We tried to leave the house to get our minds off of it, but we just would cry. It felt that everyone around us was pregnant or had a baby with them. I finally wanted to go home and lay in bed. I couldn’t help to think this is the worst feeling in the world. I would never wish this on anyone. I couldn’t help to think, you hear this happens to other people and not think it would happen to you. We got pregnant the fist time, I am healthy, I am 26 and in prime age, I work out 6 days a week and eat healthy. Why is this happening! Why!!?
I sit here with sadness. No other words, but sadness. You dream of all these plans when you see that positive test result (four test results in my case). My hopes are crushed and our world has been flipped upside down. I keep holding onto my faith. There is some sort of plan for all of this. That is all I can hold onto right now that He has a bigger plan for my family, more than I can comprehend even though I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I can’t help to think, “What if.. what if this.. what if that.. I just don’t understand, we are supposed to be in the clear.. we are in our second trimester. Now somehow I have to tell everyone now we don’t have a baby anymore.”
As I write this as an outlet for my feelings I want to end with a positive note, to pick myself up and move on with life… but at the moment I’m just sad and you know what? That is okay. Its okay to feel this way, to not have all the answers and to be sad. It’s okay to cry and feel the feelings of grieving. Its okay to feel the loss I am feeling. Its okay to be angry, confused and feel bit overwhelmed. It’s okay to think, “Everything is going to be alright” one second and the next “everything sucks.” It is okay to go grab some chick-fil-a, chocolate, take a bath and watch netflix. It’s okay to not have it all together right now and not end on a “happy note” at this moment. Because this is real. This is how I feel and I’m sure hundreds and thousands of other woman can relate, even though at this moment I feel no one knows what I am going through.
I have faith and a great testimony that time really does help you learn to grieve and mend up those wounds a little bit. There will be another chance to get pregnant and hold our baby. Until then I will hold on to my husband, family and pray for guidance and peace.